How to Write a Bad Fan Fiction
by joolay
Summary: This is not making fun of any author. I have never read a story like this; all you authors out there are amazing. This is just showing what NOT to do when writing a fic. It's not directed towards anyone. Enjoy!
1. Chaptuh won

How to Write a Bad Fanfiction

Rated: G

Category: Marching Band

Summary: This is what not to do when you are writing a fanfiction.

Note: I'm not actually retarded. I'm gifted in my typing abilities. This fic is supposed to be bad. I'm not making fun of anyone and it is not directed towards any particular people. I just got bored and decided to see what I could come up with. Please do not get offended. I think all the stories out there are great and I haven't read a single one this bad. All you authors are amazing and keep up the good work!

-----Be prepared. Lock your children in their rooms. Stock up on canned goods. ..and take a deep breath.----

chaptur won! tha day suszie joinded band!!!!!1111111

today suszie wuz joining tha band cuz she wuz a gud gurl hoo played tha claranet!!!!11 she played it gud to!!! evrywon tolded her that she wuld bee famus and evrything!!1 Suszie had a cat nameded BoBo!!!

Won day suszie wuz joining tha band lyke i sed and she wuz all esxited!

'yay im so esxited and i am also happy as well to! ' seys suszie as she useded her voyce sayin it!!

suszie spotted her freend MARY and she ranned ovah to her!

'hey mary what u doing heer!' askeed suszie hoo was sneezin!!

'i do not no!' says mary ' i gotted lost!!' help mee!'

so suszie left mary n went insyde the band roomm!! it was cold in there!

'it's cold in there'! says jim! jim wuz an flute player!

'i no!' sed suszie n she was standin up on her leegs! jim shjuhhhhhhhhhhs21

..Sorry. My spell check exploded. I had to get a new one but I'm back. I bet you were just dying for this story to continue. If you are still reading this far, I am astonished and you deserve a cookie. Unfortunately I'm all out of cookies, but more of this story is just as good!

newayz' says susie bfor she wuz so roodely interuptped! 'like i wuz sayin! cum on, JIM!! we need too put hour instramnets togethah!!?!! '

'ok' says jim as he followd suszie usin his bodee!

suszie got out her claranit!! and she lookd at it!!!!

'like ok!!' says the band daracetor his name wuz marvin!!!!

'wut up marvin' sed suszie hoo wuz in luv with him!

marvin sed 'lets all warm up! playe ur b flat skale!' and all thee studnts gotted to work and did it also to!

marvin wayved arownd his stik that wuz movin fassttt!! suszie gotted dizy watchin it !

'i feell dizy!' sed suszie as she playd her clerant! she playd it gud cauz shee had speeshal abiltys!

'stop playn now!' says marvin and thee kids playd ther a flat skales! it sounded pritty and suszie begin to danse!!

'ok i am playin my floot gud!!!!' anonsed jim and everywon claped!

then it wuz tyme to go outsid and lurn how to march?

thee kids went outsid and jim and suszie walkd togetha they talkd and jim pootd!

'ew that wus nastee lets go find a spot to stand ok! ' suszie esclaimd and jim herd it with his ears!!!

suddnly suszies freend robart apeered!!!!!11

'hay im robart' ! he sed suszie shotted him with a ryfel!

robart dyed?

'ok im gonna marsch now!!' seys jim hoo marsched gud! suszie didnt marsch gud shee was handycaped and had no arms!

marvin showd them how too mark tyme and hee coffed cuz he was sik!!

'ok im sik lets marsch ok! ' sed marvin hoo was sik!!

suszie marsched she was hapee and the sun shyned on her makeen her look pritty!!

but suszie wuz alwayes pritty she wuz also butiful but pritty da most!

'look i can marsch gud!' sed suszie hoo was pritty in the sun!!!

jim laffed and feel down on his but! it hurted alot!

'ow' sed jim 'lets slow down im hurted on my but!'

marvin told the kids to go faster n faster! they did n jim laffed even tho he wuz injured!!!!1

'ok im injured' seys jim and suszie kisd him !! jim feel in luv with her!

'ok i love you suszie' sed jim as the wind blowd him ovah!

marvin dismissd the class n they all walkd bac to the band ( room! it was still cold in it!!!)

jim was doin a danse as he playd his floot for suszie! suszie gotted her clarant n hit him in tha weeny?

'it hurts alot' sed jim as he was dansin!!! 'ok im dansin gud!' sed jim!!!!!!!!!

finally it wuz tyme to go home! 'go home kiddys!' says marvin as suszie luved him!

suszie went outsyde and her mama drove up in a car!! it had a ded beever in the tale-pipe!

'ok im yur mama get in!' sed suszies mama

suszie taked won last look at thee skool and wayved bye to it thee skool didnt wave bac cauz its not alive!!

they droved home n suszie was tyred! 'tyme for bed' sed suszies mama

suszie sed whatevah n layed down on tha cowch!

it had ben a gud day and suszie culdnt wate for tomoroww!


	2. chaptuh too

Not: This fic is still not directed towards any authors in this fanfiction community. Once again, all you authors are amazing and none of your stories are terrible. I am, once again, just trying to show what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction.

I'm dedicating this chapter to the yellow paint spot on my celing!

Rating: Still G

Category: Marching Band

Note: Just to remind you, I am still not retarded. This story is meant to be bad.

-----------------

chaptuh too!!

'suszie cum down hur'! sed suszies mama hoo wuz in tha kitchen!

suszie opend her eyes thay had crust in them! suszie still lookd pritty tho she always did!

'ok mama im on my waye' ? sed suszie as she felled down tha stares! she bounsed like a tenis ball!!

'ok im your mama go eat sumthin' sed her mama hoo was pritty but not as pritty as suszie!!!1

suszie dansed then ran outside to sea the sun!

'wow it hurts my eyes' sed suszie hoo stared at the sun!

suszies mama laffed 'come in hur you uglee gurl' suszie ran inside and wuz ugly

'hey mama' sed suszie ?

then she eight a bnanananananana! It tasted reel gud like a pinapple! only not sharp!!

suszies mama drove suszie to tha high skool for band pracktis! suszie could hardely weight!

'ok im your mama get out' sed her mama as suzie daydreemed of her darector named marvin!

suszie ran to the band room 'hey jim' sed her to jim

jim was playin his floot! it sounded pritty but it wasnt as pritty as suszie! nothin is!!!!11

'hey suszie ok i luv you' sed jim hoo luved suszie secrtley! 'shh' sed jim cuz it wuz a scret!

'ok i dont luv you' sed suszie as she admired marvin! marvin was old and phat with alot of hare on his bodee!

'lets get started?' mentiond marvin to the gang! everywon went to there seets!

'ok this is my seet' sed jim and he sat down on tha podium!

'play your e flat skales ok im old' sed marvin and suszie fainted cuz he was sexseey!!

'ok im fainted' sed suszie as she was pritty!

aftah they were dun they all wented outside for pracktis or marsching! jim was ready to go !

the sun was brite and marvin got a sunrash on his but cuz he was nakeed!

'ok get in your places!" sed marvin hoo was nakeed in the sun!

suszie was happee!

'ok your naked' sed suszie as she played her calaranet! jim was jelus he wanted suszie to find him sexseey as well too also!

the kids played gud and marsched aroun'! marvin directed gud he was a gud teecher! 'ok you all suk' sed marvin hoo was the best teecher evah! 'fiftythosand-hundretytwo millun push ups!' sed him! the kids luved marvin!

'yah marvin is awsum' sed haley hoo was a saxofone playar! she was gud at it and suszie and her wuz best freends!

'ok we are best freends suszie lets go to tha walmart and bye toenail polish!' asked haley hoo was fat!

'ok fatso' sed suszie and she thru down her claranet and ran away from pracktis!

haley ran slower than her cuz she was fat!

'ok im fat' sed haley the too gurls got in tha car and drove to walmart! suszie drove gud as she hit an old ladee!

'im ded' seys the old laddee hoo was ded and had three boobs!

the gurls mayde it too walmart! suszie and haley ran to thee toenayle polish iyal and there wuz so much toenayle polish!

'ok im steelin sum' sed suszie to the store clerk and stoled it so fast!

hayley stoled some twinkies cuz she was fat!

the too gurls went bac to band pracktis and they were happee with there new thangs!

'ok i hate this polish i want a refund' sed suszie hoo had stoled it anyway!!!

band wuz fun undah the sun as everywon marsched gud it looked fun to do!...!

'hay that looks fun' sed a sqwerl hoo was bushy-tayled! his name wuz clementyne! 'i want too marsch with them here i go' he sed and got hit bye a car! he was ded and it was sad! everwon cryed and went into depreshon and had to tayke Prozac!

marvin saw suszie and thoht 'wow shes prettier than my mama i think i luv suszie' he sed outloud but suszie didnt heer him she had on eermuffs cuz it was hot outsid!

jim got reel jelus 'shes my women' sed jim as he shooted marvin!

marvin dodjed the bulet tho cuz he wuz fast!

'dang i misd' sed jim and tryed again!

this tyme it workd! marvin got shotted in tha hed and he cryed

'i liked my hed now its gone' he sed as everwon smyled to cheer him up!

jim wuz happee with himself! he culd now have suszie

'ok suszie love me ok' seys jim hoo was a murdrer!

suszie wuz pritty and shee still had on her eermuffs! she didnt heer jim at all?

'heer me ok' sed jim as he ordered her with a meen tone in his voyce! suszie laffed

'ok i dont luv you pleeze shut up' asked suszie

the sun shined on her and she lookd so pritty but jim was sweatay and grose!

then jim playd his claranat 'ok i play gud' he sed

the kids went bac to tha bandrooom cuz pracktis was ovah! it had ben a gud day!!!!!!!!!11

'look heer at my saxfone ? sed haley as she was fat

finllay the kids went home 'ok i can drive' sed suszies mama 'get in tha car or ill kill you'!!

suszie laffed and walkd away!

'wut a day' thot suszie 'i cant wate for tomrrow i wonder if it will be fuunner than today?'

and she rode home on the sckool bus cuz it was yelow and suszie licked yelow thangs!

'ok im yellow' sed the bus

thee end for now!!!1


	3. chaptuh three ok!

A/N : Please believe me when I remind you that this is not directed towards any fan fic writers. I am only trying to show how to write a bad fanfiction, which no one out there does. Keep up the good work, everyone!

-Julie morphs into the really bad fan fic writer named Jewley!-

ok im jewely i wright gud ok!!!1 chaptuh three!!!!!!!!!!1

tha next day tha band wuz havin a fund-razor to make munee!

'make alot of munee for me ok' sed marvin to his stoodents!! the stoodents seys ok and they wuz havin a car wash!!

'ok i want dis sponj!' sed suszie as she held it! jim frownd! 'no i want it' sed jim hoo wanted suszies sponj!

so suszie got that sponj cuz she wuz prittyer than jim! jim wuz uglee!!!!111

'ok im uglee im gonna wash dis car ok watch me' seys jim as he scrubed tha car! he scrubed gud and everwon claped!

suszie walkd ovah to a car and askd tha lady insyde if she wantd her car washd!

'ok dont wash my car it dosnt need cleenin'! sed the ladee hoo was pritty but not as pritty as suszie!

so suszie washed tha car and it becayme shineer than tha sun!

tha lady drove off and suszie got no monee!

'aww im poor i bettah wash anotha car ok im pritty' seys suszie to jim

anotha car pulled up and marvin told suszie too wash it! 'wash this car now ok'

so suszie gotted her sponj! it was yellow like tha sun and suszie liked yellow thangs member!??

'ok i like dis sponj i wanna keep him!?' sed suszie as she wuz selfish but still pritty! dogfood

'no dat sponj is thee skools ok u cant have it dummy!' sed marvin hoo was sexseey as herkoolees!

suszie begin to cry!

'dont cry suszie ok! ill play a song for u!' sed jim hoo gotted out his floot and started playin it! it sounded pritty and thee musik made everywon happee like doctah fil !!!

'ok im doctah fil' sed doctah fil as he was himself!

suszie becayme happiah and she dansed!

'ok i can wash dis car now heer i go!' seys suszie as she scrubed tha car and made it shinee and pritty!

'ok im pritty' sed tha car it lookd so pritty!

'gud! now pay me ok' sed suszie hoo was poor! tha car wuz poor too it had no monee!

'o well' sed suszie 'i guess i will get monee from somewer else!!' so she robed a bank and it wuz gud!

'yes im rich now i can kwit skool!' sed suszie ok

'thats tha bands monee gimme it ok!' sed marvin as he taked it away!

more cars came ovah! thay wuz reel uglee and needed washin!

'wash my car lil gurl' seys a old fat man behind da wheel! suszie wuz skared!

'ok u skare me heer i go!' she washed tha car and she gotted five sents!

suszie saw dat jim and haley wuz havin a water fite! 'ok im gonna join in ok' sed suszie

haley wuz all sopey and she looked like a m,arshmellah cuz she wuz fat!!!

'ok im fat watch out suszie im gonna spray you!' haley sprayed suszie

suszie cryed cuz her pritty hare wuz all wet! 'your stoopid and larj i hate you' sed suszie and she cried sum mo'

suddnly presdent bush appeerd! he needed his truk washed!

'dis truk needs washin ok huree cuz im tha presdent and i have a meetin to go too!' sed tha presdent hoo was very bosee!

suszie poped all his tires cuz she hated him suzie wuz a demcrat!

'ok my tires are flat ok im gonna be late fo my meetin with sadam husayne!'

so jim playd his floot for presdent bush and presdent bush dansed!

"Excuse me little girl but can you kindly give my Ford truck a nice cleansing?" asked a man hoo had red hare!

'wat tha heck are u sayin' asked suszie she didnt speak irish! 'plus u have red hare and it groses me out' so she sprayed him with tha watah hose! 'ha die u red hared irish dummy' she shouted!!!!!!1

do you like tha storey so far! i wright gud ok

newayz tha car wash wuz ovah and marvin countd how much monee thay made!

'hooray we razed fiftee dollahs with this monee our band can bye a new tuba ok!' seys marvin

'thats amazin im gonna danse now in happyness' sed kayla hoo wuz a tuba playah! she dansed and it wuz gud!

'ok kiddys we done gud now go home' sed marvin usin his voyce that wuz sexseey to suzie hoo luved him still!

'ok sexseey i luv you' seys suszie and she went home to tell her mama about tha car wash fund razor!

her mama hit her! 'ok i dont care go brush ur teeth' sed her mama hoo wuz watchin tellytubbys!

so suszie brushd her teef with a comb! they shined like tha sun but thay always did cuz suszie wuz prefect she wuz pritty and smart!

'wut a day' thot suszie 'i will now dreem about marvin cuz he is so sexseey'

i have a crush on orland bloom tho! he fine im gonna marree him!

newayz suszie started to dreem! she dreemed she wuz on a date with marvin hoo wuz wearin a toga!

'this toga is ridin up my but ok' sed marvin 'i luv you suszie lets have kids' and they gotted marryed and thay had pritty kids hoo lookd like there mama and thay were almost as pritty as suszie but no one is suszie is prefect!

neway tha chaptah is ovah! reveiw ok itll make me happee and i will give u a shout out in tha next chaptah! orland bloom is a hotty!


	4. chaptuh fore!

Note: No, even though it appears as if I'm stupid, I'm not that stupid. Yes, sometimes I can have my moments, but this is ridiculous! The story is supposed to be bad. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed!

-Julie morphs into the bad fanfic writer Jewely-

yay watch me go as i write gud for you!!! chaptuh fore! suszie goes to micdonalds!

'mama can i take tha car and go to mcdonads' asked suszie her mama wuz in tha bathroom

'no you uglee lezbo go eat tha cats poopy' ansered suszies mama

'ok thanks mama ill bring you back a big mak?' suszie gotted tha car keys and went out tha door!! it wuz pritty outside almost as pritty as suszie but suszie wuz much prittier she had a zit tho on her nose butt she had it coverd with a bandade!

'this stoopid zit makes me look uglee' suszie sed to no one as she gotted into tha famlee car it was a penske truck!

she turnd on tha radio and startd to danse as her favrite song evah came on!! it wuz 'hoo let tha dawgs out?' and she wuz gettin her groove on with tha windows down and she droved out tha drive way! she wuz pickin up a sandwitch from macdonads to take to band practktis!

'ok im drivin gud' sed suszie as she ran ovah a pupee! tha pupee wuz okay tho it had on a helmit!

'my bad' sed suszie

she drove along sum mo' and then....!

she sawed flashin lites they wuz blue and red and suszie thout they wuz pritty

'wow chritsmas lites the car beehind me is festiv!' littel did suszie no that it was tha police man!!!

suszie drove fastah and fastah and so did tha police man!

'dang why is thay followin me' asked suszie 'i gotta get them offa my tale!' so she turned a sharp cornah and lost them!

'crazy drivers theese days' sed suszie as she made her truck do weelies! it wuz fun to do and she had her musik blaring!!

'ok im pimpin' sed suszie she was getting closah to mcdonads she sawed it in her reer view mirror?

little did suszie no also that when thangs are in ur reer view mirror thay are behind you! suszie wuz stoopid but she wuz still so pritty!

'well i sawed macdonads butt why am i knot gettin closah' sed suszie

she droved twenty mo miles until she gaved up 'o well i gues i have to go on to pracktis!'

so suszie stoped in tha middle of tha highway to turn round! then a big transfah truck hitted her!

suszie woked up and saw a lot of lites 'wow every won is so festiv lately' she thoughted

suddenly a man appeered ovah her he was a doctah!

'im doctah tim' sed doctah tim hoo was handsum!

'ok sexseey im suszie!' she felt his muscles! he put a needel in her arm and suszie suddnly felt sleepee!

'listen madam you wuz in a car reck and you lostted the use of your legs' he told her. he was a smart doctah!

'my bad' sed suszie

'you shoulda weared your seat belt then you wouldnt of flown out yo window and onto tha highway and gotted runned ovah!?' sed the smart doctah hoo spoke well and used big words!

'i play tha clarenat!' she told doctah tim hoo wuz impressd!

'im impressd! i used to play tha harp in my skools marchin band' he informed suszie and suszie wuz esited!

'are you serius thats crazee you dumb man harps are wut girls play!' suszie laffed 'can i have some ice cream? will i get to have my tonsils, hopefulee you put dem in a jar so i can look at em!'

'we didnt take out yo tonsels, you wuz in a reck stoopid!' the doctah sed 'you cant walk no more!'

'wut tha heck is you lying to me cuz i dont like fibbers !

'wull looks at your legs!' sed doctah tim suszie lifted up her sheets! they wuz not there!

'my bad! where is my legs at' asked her laffing

doctah tim shruged and walked away 'man hes sexseey ' thout suszie and she rubbed her belly

suddnly susuzies mama rushed in reel fast like a antelope! 'suszie wut tha heck r u doin hur?' she screemed

suszie smiled 'well i wuz goin to macdonads to get myself a sandwitch to take too practktis ok! but i gotted lost or soumthin cuz i couldnt find it well neways like i was sayin i wuz lost so i stoped to turn round to go back wheres i comed from then i got hitted and it hurt a lot my legs are goned!' she laffed and lifted up her sheets and her mama lookd shoked!

'oh my goodnss wheres is they at'

'dont know' sed suszie 'but i feel ten times lightah! lets go home ok'

'ok baboon breth'

so suszies mama droved her home and suszie wroted in her diary about her day!

deer diary!! this is suszie agen wuz up dawg LOL!! haha :) neways like i wuz sayin, 2day i gotted in a reck on my weigh to macdonads! the worst part is i didnt get my bigmak dat i wanted ok

luv suzie :D


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